Monday, March 29, 2010

Alas, I begin to blog

I have never blogged before, but lately the pressures of life had made me feel the need to write some thoughts down. I figure, why start a journal which only I would read. Why not share some of my thoughts with others and thus, perhaps, not feel so isolated.

I am a first year medical student. I am also married and a bit older than most of my classmates. I go to an excellent school and, for the most part, enjoy medical school. I don't think it arrogant to say that I am a gifted learner, and have always gotten by on my innate abilities. As such, I must admit to being a bit lazy. I could probably backspace here and delete the words "a bit". It should come as no shock that medical school has challenged this life pattern. I am still able to do well enough to pass with less effort than most, but I don't want to simply pass. I should be excelling. I should be near the top of my class, but I am not. Why is it that so many times we become frustrated with our own behavior, but don't take the steps necessary to fix the problem? I know I need to be more disciplined. I need to study rather than watch TV or surf porn on the internet (if you can't be honest in an anonymous blog, where can you be?), but I don't do it. Then, I get a B or C on an exam I should have aced, and become so irritated. I swear the next exam will be different, but is it? No. Same story repeats. If my life were a video, it would be worn out from all the rewinding and replaying. I guess that dates me a bit since most kids these days don't understand the concept of having to rewind something. I have actually decided to undertake some counseling to see if I can change some of my ways. I go for the first time tomorrow.

My wife and I never have sex. It has literally been over a year since we have (hence the aforementioned porn confession). I don't even know how it stopped. I love her. She is my best friend, but that seems to be what it has become--a friendship. She is very conservative and cannot seem to initiate intimacy, and to be honest, I simply got tired of initiating it. I guess I wanted to see if the absence of sex would spark her to change in that regard. That backfired. I know I need to stop with the porn, but please refer to my comments above about knowing what you need to do and how that usually goes.......

I am likely one of the few medical students that feels like a loser. I am not failing out, but I am not doing as well as I should. I can never seem to make the changes I need to make in my life. We are broke. Always broke. I am terrible with money. It just seems to evaporate because we don't keep track of our account and then, SURPRISE!, the money is gone and we are in a bind.

Studies, sex, money... round and round we go.

HOW DO YOU CHANGE YOUR OWN INABILITY TO CHANGE?

I will ask my counselor that question tomorrow. I will let you know what she says.

Oh well, if nothing else, it is a beautiful day today.